When in contact with your fish you must not do anything harmful to it, this includes anything to alter the water. Don’t try to touch the fish, give it alcohol or eat it. If you do so you will be kicked out.
These are the rules for Temecula’s coolest and hippest new sporting event – “ET’s World Famous Goldfish Races.” Yep – you read that correctly. Every Tuesday evening, ET’s Sports Lounge hosts an event that must be seen to be believed – tiny fish swimming laps for cash prizes. I know – sounds ridiculous. As it turned out, it was the most fun I’ve had in a long time.
The set up includes a bucket of about 20 goldfish, plastic cups to house the individual racers, and 2 parallel tracks for the actual races. Simple. It’s $5 to race a fish – this is your “cost of entertainment.” Once you’ve secured your little racer, you give it a name of your choosing (written on its plastic cup/”stable”) so each one can be easily identified. Needless to say, the bar’s patrons came up with some colorful names, many of them X-rated. Here’s a selection of those that fall in the PG-13 category: Mortimer, Captain Cork, Flounder, Sir Trixalot, Moby Dick Dick, Trasier, OPM 420, Scammy, Sit on Poo’s Face, Bag of Aids, and I Hope I Don’t Get Punched In The Face. Like I said…colorful.
As the evening progressed and ET’s filled with an eclectic group of spectators, anticipation mounted as the first race was about to begin. The funny and entertaining host/MC for the evening called the names of the first two goldfish and the races were on! The cups were brought over and the fish were gently poured into their individual starting gate. Each contestant took a squirt bottle (filled with water) and stood at the starting line, right behind their individual fish. As the gate was lifted, each contestant squirted the water behind his/her fish to “nudge” it a bit and allow it to swim down the track. Easier said than done! Most of the time those little guys weren’t sure which way to go. Many of them wiggled down the track only to reverse direction, causing more frantic squirting and crowd yelling. Once the first little guy crossed the finish line, it was on to the next two fishy “Michael Phelps.”
It’s a single-elimination race tournament, so once you lose, you’re done for the night. Back to drinking beer or a Captain Morgan rum drink special (courtesy of Captain Morgan himself and his lovely Morganettes, this evening’s promotional hosts). The winners moved on to the next round, of course. It took only about 45 minutes to get to the final race, which was pulled out in Secretariat-like fashion by I Hope I Don’t Get Punched In The Face. She smoked the competition all night, actually. The winning prize? A cool $100, donated by Pune Entertainment Worldwide. Did I participate, you ask? Absolutely – I “squirted” Scammy all the way to the semis but lost a photo finish, otherwise I would have made it to the championship race. That $100 was so close! Maybe next week. A big “thank you” to Scott and Amy for providing such a thoroughbred of a goldfish.
So there you have it – your Tuesday evening entertainment has been determined. No reason to even debate it. Make your way to ET’s, order a pitcher of beer, and watch the “World Famous Goldfish Races.” You’ll laugh, you’ll cheer…you’ll bond with little aquatic life. You may even wine a cool cash prize. What’s there not to love?
(No goldfish were harmed during this evening of fun & laughs.)
ET’s Sports Lounge is located at 27423 Jefferson Ave., Temecula, CA 92592. Call ‘em at 951-694-8282.